“None of us really changes over time. We only become more fully what we are.”
-Anne Rice, The Vampire Lestat
Everyday I become more of myself. It seems as though becoming more “you” would be a subconscious process since every action and every interaction affects you in some way, but I’ve found that finding me is really quite deliberate. I take each new day as an opportunity to do something I already love and find new things that I love even more. And I’m happier for it.
Knowing that I’m doing something because I want to, because it makes me happy, is liberating. I look at the world and think, how can this be? How can something so vast and lovely exist without everyone recognizing it as the gift it is? For I do see the world as a gift. A gift that could disappear at any time. How fleeting is life? Any step I take could be my last at no fault of mine. So why shouldn’t I take each moment, breathe it in, and only after savoring every bit, let it go?
Every realization above hit me like a bug to the face one day. At first I was shocked. I didn’t know what to do immediately. Then I wiped that bug off, looked around me, and realized I was standing on a load of crap. My life was a lie! I lived every day pleasing everyone but myself, and I was miserable. Change needed to happen, and I had to make it happen because unhappy people only attract other unhappy people. So I pretended to be happy. I know what you’re thinking–pretending to be happy doesn’t make you happy. Well, maybe it doesn’t for everyone, but it worked for me. Pretending to be happy made me find things that actually made me happy. Once I had those, I really was happier, and soon I was no longer pretending.
Some things I know for sure: I have some of the best friends I’ve ever had in my life. They love me on good days and bad days. We’re all nerds that know we’re cool, and we don’t care if anyone else knows too. I have a crazy, sexy, smart boyfriend who loves me more than I could possibly love him. I love to write, and as an engineering student, I don’t have an excuse to do it enough; I hope this blog will give me an excuse. I have little habits that make each day better, and as the days give them to me, I’ll share them with whoever happens to stumble on my little chunk of the internet.
I find what fascinates me. I get lost in what I find. I live with no regrets. I live.