Another Ending

Everything is so different now.

I just spent the last 5 or so hours in her arms. She lives in one of the apartments below mine. We’ve hooked up a couple of times but it’s complicated… She’s always on and off with her girlfriend which means on and off with me. Cuddling is apparently acceptable, but no kissing. Except sometimes. She says she loves this girl and is going to marry her–but she wants to have sex with me? I don’t understand. I’m not into her as more than a friend with benefits. She’s sexy and really sweet, but I couldn’t date her. So it’s extra frustrating that she insists on cuddling when it makes me want her.

But we are close. We’re intimate with each other, and I trust her. We can relate. I suppose I’m a bit of a hypocrite, too, because while she talks about her girlfriend all the time, I talk just as much about him.

Wow, him. So I broke up with my (now ex-) boyfriend about 2 months ago essentially for her, but we both knew we didn’t want anything serious. Well, breaking up with my ex turned me into a wreck. I wanted to break up with him. Really. He made me very happy sometimes, but he was also an alcoholic that made me cry a lot. I had intended to break up with him for a while, but the good parts kept me from following through. Then she and I hooked up one night, and I broke up with him the very next morning. I never wanted to hurt him. But even though I did the breaking, it hurt me. I missed having someone to hold me and kiss me and tell me I’m theirs. So I turned to him.

It probably isn’t very fair to him. He is only my friend. But I was unhappy, and I love him, and so he let me cry to him about another man. And I don’t think he wanted to hear it. He is gay, and I guess I know that, but ever since I broke up with my ex, he’s been more…lovey? We’re touchier now, and we do everything together. It feels very strange to go even a day without seeing him. And sometimes, I think he loves me.

See, I really tried to get over him. I wanted him for a long time, but I love him more than I want him, so I tried to think of him purely as my gay best friend. I was doing well until spring break. He, I, and another friend drove to Las Vegas for the week, and our over-21 friend stocked us up on alcohol. One night after we’d been drinking (heand I were in one bed while our guy friend was in another), He and I got into bed, and being cuddly drunks, he pulled me to his chest to spoon. That is not normal behavior for us. While we don’t avoid touching each other while sleeping, we don’t cuddle either. But as soon as we started spooning, he slid his arm over me and his hand up under my tank top. I wasn’t wearing a bra because we were going to bed, and I am comfortable with him–he’s my gay best friend! But then his hand went to my breast. And then we started making out. I don’t remember how long we were at it, but it was hot. Like hands all over the place, woke up our guy friend and got slightly berated hot. I loved it. I fell asleep on his chest to incredibly heavy breathing.

That morning was embarrassing if nothing else. Our friend was like what the hell dude? You’re gay. But sexuality isn’t black and white. And there is no way he is completely gay anymore than I am completely straight. We talked about what happened later when we were alone, and he was like I never want to do it again. That made me feel kinda sad and made me wonder if I was remembering things wrongly and maybe I had like make-out attacked him. That night we didn’t drink.

The next night is something else entirely. We were going to go out, but we had a couple drinks and he and I ended up making out again. He gave me a hand-sized hickey on my lower neck. I am just so incredibly attracted to him. Sometimes he smells so good it makes me lightheaded. And the way he tastes is just the same. I never wanted to stop kissing him.

And things escalated from there. We all ended up in a threesome. We did just about everything there is to do. In the morning though, oddly enough, he and I woke up in our bed and our friend woke up in his. Of course we were all naked… The car ride home wasn’t actually that bad, but we were all a little weirded out about what happened.

Since then, we’ve actually been a little more distant from our friend, but he and I are even closer. If you could see the way he looks at me! It honestly makes me melt. There are no other words. He smiles and stares into my eyes–always a little longer than “normal”–and I melt. I would do anything for him. And he is all I think about. And I still think it has to stop. Because even though I think all this is going on, I might be crazy and seeing signs that don’t exist.

He’s going to Germany for 3 months this summer, and I’m going to miss him tremendously. But it’s also a good opportunity for me to sort things out. I think I’m going to talk to him before he leaves. Like really talk. And maybe take the weak route and beat around the bush until I figure out whether he’ll ever want me as more than a friend. Maybe I’ll be brave and straight up ask. We’ll stay friends no matter what. And we’re living together with another friend next year. But it would be good to have a three month break if questions make things weird.

Mostly I just can’t believe we had sex. Just a couple months ago that was an impossible fantasy of mine. Guess that goes to show that I can never be certain of anything… I can only guess what else is going to be different even a year from now…

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