beginning again

I’ve decided to switch majors and I literally feel lighter. More free. It wasn’t until this moment that I realized how stifling it was being in engineering. All everyone is focused towards is money. Getting that job, getting that internship, getting through the class. I don’t want to just “get through” life. I want to live it and I want to love it.

The past two years have changed me. When I started college, I didn’t know what I wanted, and I didn’t think that mattered, so I thought I’d try engineering. From that point until now, I continued to convince myself that I liked what I was doing. That once I got to those upper division classes everything would be more interesting. That I’d love it more. I have been blatantly lying to myself. I do not love engineering, and I do not want to do it for the rest of my life. I don’t even want to finish the semester, but I have to pass my current classes to maintain my scholarship. And then I’ll get to begin again. But better this time.

I’m going to double major in art and English, and get a minor in business. I haven’t talked to an adviser yet, but I figure I’ll only end up being at school an “extra” year, if that. And I am thrilled! Like, actually. I didn’t even think I could be this happy, and it was so simple. I think my mind was so focused on not quitting, worrying that everyone will think I’m weak, and avoiding being that girl that couldn’t handle it that I couldn’t even consider doing something else with my life. But thinking back through school–the last two years especially–my favorite classes have always been in art, English, and history. I only lament that it took this long for me to figure it out. To figure me out. Of course, I don’t regret learning what I have in engineering. I’m nothing but smarter and deeper for it. But I’m excited to try something new. Something I’ll love and truly want to do for the rest of my life.

I know I want to live out of the country for a few years. I think I’d like to be a graphic designer–maybe for an engineering  company! I want to write science fiction novels in my free time. I want to be happy. So, so happy. And I’m about 99% sure that this will do it for me. Hey, I could be wrong, but isn’t this living? I’m young. At least I’m figuring out who I am now and not in 20 years as I sat at my desk in some engineering firm.

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