knowing

I always think it’s funny when I learn new things about myself. It’s like, I am me. I should know me. But I don’t. Really I don’t trust that I ever know anything at all. Things change too rapidly and with too much ease. If I were shocked every time something I “knew” turned out to be wrong, I would be a constant wreck. As it is, I’m simply a semi-constant wreck, which isn’t nearly so bad.

Anyways, in recent days, I have learned that I am jealous. I never knew. Honestly. But now he has this guy over all the time. ALL the time. Every minute he is home, so is this other kid. And I feel unwanted in my own house. Every night of the week. It’s getting old. But more to the point, I don’t actually hate the kid. I hate that he likes him. I’m jealous that he now gets all of his attention. Before, all the attention belonged to me. I knew it, and I coveted the fact. Now I get no attention. It was abrupt, and I am jealous that it now belongs to someone else. So I’ve been flip-flopping between absolute bitchiness and pretend sugary sweetness because I can’t decide which is more likely to win back the attention. Probably neither, but I don’t know what else to do. Change is hard, and with time everything gets better, but the time in between….no one talks about that. It hurts.

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