The Time We Lost

What Hearts

 

A tarnished, silver pocketwatch sways,

Coldly bathed in wintry rays,

Dangling by a time-sealed vow

Made with a leaf-bare aspen bough.

 

Yet aspens and evergreens never need

The passings of hour and day heed

As did the lone wanderer, passing by,

Reminded of life by this clock in the sky.

 

What hearts have then been shaken

By the abrupt prod taken

From hands, never-ceasing,

Rhythmically ticking?

 

Those which, faltering, direct

To stairways of hours unchecked,

Leading drifters of humanity

Toward the comfort of Eternity.

~By me

The concept of time fascinates me. It was conceived completely by humans, and we’re the only ones who even care. The sun and wind and animals carry on without keeping specific count of the progression of the world. Days are simply invented partitions of light and darkness. I can’t feel a second pass, but my clock tells me when it has. If we had no words for seconds, hours, days, years, the world would still trudge forward. We track this progress, and I suppose it’s “necessary”, but for what? To know when to set alarms? To know when to eat? Time is so tiresome to me. Oftentimes I wish I was living long ago when there were no clocks and the day was tracked by the position of the sun. Maybe back even further. I sometimes wish there were no appointments to keep and I could pass the day and night as I pleased: working for what I wanted and needed, being with those whose company I truly enjoyed, doing only what pleased me and nothing more. There would be no rush. Sleep would be no issue. So much of what we consider progress today is just luxury. I shouldn’t complain considering I’m typing this on a laptop by the light of an electric lamp, yet I could most certainly live much simpler. And maybe–probably–be happier.

If we were only bodies, living would be easy. It’s the mind that always desires more. My mind wonders what if? Just such a mind thought of time and, honestly, it was a revolutionary idea. We have so much now that people know when to be where and do what. But how much of what we have do we need? I see so many people that only focus on the next day, the next test, the next 20 years. And they forget that today was the future of 10 years ago. We have to live in the present! By all means, keep the future in mind. But if you’re always planning, saving, and worrying for the future, you won’t know how to enjoy it when it arrives. I make a point to recognize and appreciate each day for its own sake. In doing so, every day gives me something to learn, something to love. Seriously, carpe diem because how do we know tomorrow will come? By the theory of time, tomorrow comes after today. But if it doesn’t?

Time is so personal in a way. When we die, does our time end? The world keeps breathing and changing, but our bodies stop. I like to think there is a new way of life after we die here on earth. I don’t believe in a god the way most of the world does. I could never pray to anything. But I’d really like to believe there are other things out there that can think, and maybe one or more of them did consciously create our species. If there are other sentient beings out there that we’ve never contacted in any way, if there are still new things being discovered daily, can we be sure our minds die when our bodies do? No one knows. But if I can live with as abstract an idea as time, I can certainly entertain the idea of a “life” after earthly death.

No Regrets!

No Regrets!

I intend to get a tattoo before my birthday, December 21, when the world is supposed to end. I’m having a hard time deciding what to get though…. Currently, I’m leaning towards a tiny deer on my hip or a nice quote from perhaps Lord of the Rings or Wuthering Heights on the side of my ribs. It will be black for sure. I’ve just wanted one for so long, and I think giving myself a deadline will actually make me go through with it!

Getting a tattoo is especially exciting for me because I live in Utah, which if you don’t know is highly populated by disapproving Mormons. I’m not exactly getting a tattoo to prove to others that I’m not Mormon; I want to show my open-mindedness in a place where it’s somewhat rare. Would I be so hell-bent on getting a tattoo if I lived elsewhere? I think so, but I know that proving to others that I’m a little daring does have something to do with my choices. And even though I know that part of me is getting a tattoo for everyone else, which tugs at me in a bad way somewhere in my mind,  a large part wants it for me. That’s why I want it somewhere easily hidden. I’m all about being me, but I don’t want to be discriminated against in a way that could threaten my future happiness. Here’s to a tattoo I won’t regret!

About Him

He is not mine. I wish he was, but he never will be. He is my best friend. I love him, and he knows it. He does not love me.

I met him last year—freshman year—of college. We lived in the same dorm and we had a couple of the same classes. He was arrogant and aloof and I didn’t like him at all. Yet I had to keep seeing him. And the more I was with him, the more I wanted him. He is cute, sexy, funny, sweet, sarcastic, and nerdy. He is so, so smart. We have conversations that have meaning. He is a shameless dancer. He is the biggest tease. And the way he looks into my eyes is delicious. I quite literally get lost in them. I have to remember to keep talking, and it is so hard to break away. We can look into each other’s eyes for oddly long periods of time, and it’s not a bit awkward. We are good at being together.

We saw each other every day, and it quickly got to the point where it was weird if I didn’t see him at least once in the day. It would actually make me feel almost empty or nervous. Like something was just a little off. The thing is, he makes me smile more than anyone I have ever met, and the connection I feel with him is immense. I can’t even explain how strongly I want to be with him. Just be near him. We don’t even have to speak; just being physically near him makes me feel like everything is right with the world. We get each other, you know? We really, actually do.

If loving him and wanting him was all it took for him to want to love me back, then we would be together right now. But as it is, I’m home alone, and he’s off with his old friends.

I never wanted to love him. Loving my best friend did not work out well for me in the past, but that’s for another time. It’s enough to know that I didn’t want to repeat it. So I set my mind on keeping him as a friend. About a month after I met him, I met my boyfriend. I didn’t have that connection with my boyfriend as I did with him, but I figured a boyfriend would distract me from wanting anything…more…with him. It didn’t work. I fantasized about him all the time; I still do. I love my boyfriend. I love him in a way so far beyond that. But I didn’t want to let him know because I didn’t want to lose him. If I kept him as a friend, I could keep him forever. If he was my boyfriend, we might break up, and if we broke up, I might not get to talk to him at all. So I tortured myself in way trying to love my boyfriend while all the time, I’ve been deeply in love with him.

But as I said, he doesn’t love me, and he never will. We went on a backpacking trip this last summer with another friend of ours, and I had been anticipating it since we first planned it. I still wasn’t sure if he liked me in a way beyond friendship. I figured if anything sexy was going to happen, it would happen while we were alone in the wilderness for a week. The trip was one of the best I’ve ever been on. We talked, smoked, thought, drank, laughed. We really do get along perfectly. Then one night, after we’d all been drinking, he told me.

He’s gay.

There’s not a problem with him. Nothing he could do or say could ever make me stop loving him. He’s perfect. But I’m selfish, and he being gay means I will never be with him, and that’s hard to accept.

In a way I took it as a blessing. I’d always wanted to want him as just a friend, and now I knew that’s all we’d ever be. It made me focus on loving my boyfriend more. I thought I’d just get over him and my life would be even more perfect than I expected it to be with him.

Then this weekend happened.

We got Friday off as a fall break from school, so Thursday night we went on a mini vacation: me, him, my boyfriend, one of our girl friends, and one of our guy friends. That night in our hotel room we were drinking and playing cards and decided to play dirty truth or dare from an app my boyfriend has on his phone. One dare led to another and soon we were all mostly or completely naked and had kissed and touched almost everyone else. I had made out with him several times. He had kissed my boyfriend several times. I’ve never felt more confused. All my feelings I want gone are back, and I’m not sure what to do. I loved kissing him. Honestly I loved kissing my girl friend, too, but again that’s for another time. This is about him.

Today, Saturday, me, him, and that same girl friend drove home to Salt Lake. After dropping her off, I drove him home. I love driving with him. It’s when we have some of our best conversations. We questioned the existence of God and wondered what death will be like. Talking about things like that makes me realize how alike we can be. Later we all met back up to see The Perks of being a Wallflower together, and it fit my life right now so well. All the misunderstandings and secrets. I think I hate secrets, but they have to stay.

I want him. And I think he doesn’t want me. But I’m so, so afraid to bring it up. I don’t want him to look at me confused and say, but you know I’m gay. Because that’s what will happen. I do know, but I still want him. I think I’ll always want him, but I’ll take what I can get.

And tonight, when he brought me home after the movie, I wanted him to stay so badly. I wanted him to want to stay with me, to say that, tonight “we are infinite”. And now I want to cry.

More fully what we are…

“None of us really changes over time. We only become more fully what we are.”

-Anne Rice, The Vampire Lestat

 

Everyday I become more of myself. It seems as though becoming more “you” would be a subconscious process since every action and every interaction affects you in some way, but I’ve found that finding me is really quite deliberate. I take each new day as an opportunity to do something I already love and find new things that I love even more. And I’m happier for it.

Knowing that I’m doing something because I want to, because it makes me happy, is liberating. I look at the world and think, how can this be? How can something so vast and lovely exist without everyone recognizing it as the gift it is? For I do see the world as a gift. A gift that could disappear at any time. How fleeting is life? Any step I take could be my last at no fault of mine. So why shouldn’t I take each moment, breathe it in, and only after savoring every bit, let it go?

Every realization above hit me like a bug to the face one day. At first I was shocked. I didn’t know what to do immediately. Then I wiped that bug off, looked around me, and realized I was standing on a load of crap. My life was a lie! I lived every day pleasing everyone but myself, and I was miserable. Change needed to happen, and I had to make it happen because unhappy people only attract other unhappy people. So I pretended to be happy. I know what you’re thinking–pretending to be happy doesn’t make you happy. Well, maybe it doesn’t for everyone, but it worked for me. Pretending to be happy made me find things that actually made me happy. Once I had those, I really was happier, and soon I was no longer pretending.

Some things I know for sure:  I have some of the best friends I’ve ever had in my life. They love me on good days and bad days. We’re all nerds that know we’re cool, and we don’t care if anyone else knows too. I have a crazy, sexy, smart boyfriend who loves me more than I could possibly love him. I love to write, and as an engineering student, I don’t have an excuse to do it enough; I hope this blog will give me an excuse. I have little habits that make each day better, and as the days give them to me, I’ll share them with whoever happens to stumble on my little chunk of the internet.

I find what fascinates me. I get lost in what I find. I live with no regrets. I live.